Confession: Today wasn't good

Today was a big reminder about how much I need to give up the day job and just be mom.  Or just one who works only when the kids are at preschool.  I spent most of the day with the kids on my lap where they watched a show in the left corner of the computer screen while I attempted to work on the right side.  They fought over who had more lap space and when I made them both get off my lap I kept having to shush them "Mommy needs to finish this email and then she'll get you a snack....turn on a new show...be your helper when you go potty."

"Mommy is working, we will play when I'm done."

I'm done in 8 more days.  It can not come soon enough.

This used to work.  It worked for 4 years.  Now it just isn't.  I'm not doing my best at work and I'm certainly not giving the kids what they deserve at home.

Yesterday was just such a totally different day that the stark contrast to today is just disheartening.

Yesterday I only checked in on work twice - both times when the kids were happy and playing with out me.  The entirety of our day was great yesterday, Noodle even went to sleep a full 30 min earlier than her normal early and nearly 2 hours before her 'late' - and she's been mainly late to sleep for the past 3 months.  Yesterday was wonderful - today not so much.

Today I'm short tempered.  Today there were no crafts - not even the ones I set out to do last night before going to bed.  Today there was yelling, and then worse - that moment when I just check out, when my eyes glaze over as I look at the mess and  I want to run away from home or just hide in my closet for a little while.

Even now, I could (and should) go play with them.  But the mood is set and all I can do is count the minutes until Husband comes home and I can actually go hide in my closet for a little while.

I feel pulled apart and frazzled.  Realizing I've been living like this for years - for those wonderful early years of my children's lives - makes me sad. 

Next week.  Next week the new normal begins and I'm so, so thankful.

Countdown to The Year: 8