Today was a big reminder about how much I need to give up the day job and just be mom. Or just one who works only when the kids are at preschool. I spent most of the day with the kids on my lap where they watched a show in the left corner of the computer screen while I attempted to work on the right side. They fought over who had more lap space and when I made them both get off my lap I kept having to shush them "Mommy needs to finish this email and then she'll get you a snack....turn on a new show...be your helper when you go potty."
"Mommy is working, we will play when I'm done."
I'm done in 8 more days. It can not come soon enough.
This used to work. It worked for 4 years. Now it just isn't. I'm not doing my best at work and I'm certainly not giving the kids what they deserve at home.
Yesterday was just such a totally different day that the stark contrast to today is just disheartening.
Yesterday I only checked in on work twice - both times when the kids were happy and playing with out me. The entirety of our day was great yesterday, Noodle even went to sleep a full 30 min earlier than her normal early and nearly 2 hours before her 'late' - and she's been mainly late to sleep for the past 3 months. Yesterday was wonderful - today not so much.
Today I'm short tempered. Today there were no crafts - not even the ones I set out to do last night before going to bed. Today there was yelling, and then worse - that moment when I just check out, when my eyes glaze over as I look at the mess and I want to run away from home or just hide in my closet for a little while.
Even now, I could (and should) go play with them. But the mood is set and all I can do is count the minutes until Husband comes home and I can actually go hide in my closet for a little while.
I feel pulled apart and frazzled. Realizing I've been living like this for years - for those wonderful early years of my children's lives - makes me sad.
Next week. Next week the new normal begins and I'm so, so thankful.
Countdown to The Year: 8
